Anger management

I am an angry person as always dubbed by my husband as 'angry elf'. I'm not sure if I have been this way all my life or has it just gone worse over the years. My problem is I can react or respond aggresively when I'm angry or even sheer annoyance too can cause me behave that way. It seems like I'm a totally different person whenever anger evoked in me. Since I cannot lash out my anger at the problem in public, hence I redirect all my anger to hubby. My anger has in fact gone out of control and is turning destructive, leading to marriage problem. Thank goodness, hubby endured this problem of mine with lots of patience and has confronted me in dealing with anger before it's too late.

What makes me angry? Things such as ruined plans, unco-operative people, traffic jams, losing things of value and etc. I quote this from a website talking about controlling anger.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low
tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not
have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't
take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation
seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake. What
makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or
physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy,
and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age.
Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught
that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to
express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it
constructively. Research has also found that family background plays a role.
Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive,
chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.

For my case, it definitely has to be family background, and guess what, my dad is a totally angry person and does not know how to express himself well. Hence, his anger is uncontrollable and often involves violence. Time and again, hubby always remind me of my dad when I'm angry, scary he says. If I don't like the way my dad is when he's angry, hubby can totally identify with that, as I'm placing him in the same situation. Speaking of which, my brother and my sister are all the same too, all angry people.

It's funny that the article also mentioned this:

Logic defeats anger,because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become
irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world
is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of
daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll
help you get a more balanced perspective.

So true! I'm not a good communicator, so when I'm angry, I don't get my reasoning across right. There was once (only once), when I shouted at hubby because I couldn't make him stop advising me. There he was trying to calm me down, and because I couldn't think logically, I just lost it. Whenever things go wrong, I keep telling myself, that God is unfair to me! Exactly the same line of thinking as though the world is out there to get me.

What got me to blog about anger management was something that happened recently until today. I lost my hubby's wedding band. How?? You must be asking, isn't your husband wearing the ring? To give you a little background to that whole ring issue, I will have to go as far back as to our wedding.

We were getting married, so of course every wedding or marriage needs a "symbol" to remind us of our love for each other. So we got the rings. Even then, problems already existed with the whole ring ordeal. Firstly, hubby knew it will be a hard time adjusting to wearing accessory daily. Secondly, we cannot decide on what colour ie gold or white gold. When he gave me the engagement ring, it was in gold because he said he would prefer a gold ring (all his brothers wear gold, so he wants to follow suit!) for the wedding band. Hence, I chose gold for the diamond ring so as to go with the wedding band later on. When the time came to choose the wedding band, we found out that he suits silver colour better ie white gold. I had to accept a white gold to go with my diamond ring so as to have a matching wedding band. An annoyance I had to bear. Thirdly, after the church ceremony, he announced to the world (during dinner reception) that he forgot to wear the wedding ring. Something I forgave easily as we were newly married, surely you are not use to wearing the ring yet. Fourthly, he shows you how 'important' the ring is by simply placing the ring everywhere, even to the extent that he left it on his desk at work. Then, as time passed, it's been 2 years since we got married, and I can count the number of times he wore the ring. Even then, I had to make him wear it. We eventually striked a deal, that I should allow him not to wear it on weekdays, and in return he will wear it on weekends (have you ever known of such couple doing this sort of bargaining?!).

Finally, I have had enough. If he's not wearing it, I will store it away and he will have a hard time looking for it. True enough, my words came to pass. I have since kept it somewhere, even I don't know where I kept it. It's been two days and we were both frantically searching for it but it's no where to be seen. Because of this, I have been moody and angry. I was searching for it, because I still want to keep it as my treasure, but he was searching for it not because of the ring, but knowing that it will cheer me up and make me happy again. He cannot tolerate me being so affected as it affects him deeply as well.

So really, what hubby said was true. In fact, there are many reasons why I didn't have to be angry over this matter. Reasons which I have just explained. I should just have a cognitive restructuring (as proposed by the website) that is to change my thinking over this ring. As much as it's a symbol, it's only still a symbol. What matters more is my husband, as he puts it, well and alive, beside me.

We have been so good for some time now, and he really treasures these happy times. In fact, I'm loving my husband more and more now. I will have to make a conscious effort to control my anger and to remind myself, being angry will not mend things. I wouldn't trade hubby for anyone. He is such a wonderful man. I pray that God will help me deal with my emotions. Please pray for me.