Where are you?

I haven't been able to blog recently partly due to work and mainly too pre-occupied with my reading. I have read 2 books since I came back from holiday. In addition, the weather makes it hard to do anything else except wanting to snuggle comfortably under the warm quilt with Big Elf. I'm so glad winter is officially over now. No more freezing cold in the morning. I will inform you all once I finish blogging about my Japan trip. =) Bear with me please...

I have also been deeply saddened by the disappearance of a friend. I received an SMS from my best friend informing me of our ex-classmate from school who went on a solo hike at the Glacier National Park in Montana, US and has not return since. He was due to return a week later as planned but had not contacted the family since. I have mentioned the incident many times and I don't really want to repeat anymore as it causes me to be in distress. However, you can easily follow the news from the link here.

For those who know who I'm talking about, his name is Yi Jien and you can read Yi Jien's mum's response towards the situation.

What I'd really like to blog about is how Yi Jien has been a part of my life. Like so many others, every handshake is planned by God and this I have held on and believed to be true throughout most of my life.

Yi Jien's father, the late Rev. Hwa Chien used to pastor my church and our family came closer to the Lord through him. My family has been one family that was so spiritually fragile at one point and it was a great opportunity to seize to bring us together as a family to know the Lord better and to be held and bonded together in Christ. Rev. Hwa Chien took up the mission and held us under his wings by mentoring us particularly my brother and my dad. His love and concern for us was so strong that when he left Sitiawan to move to Seremban, he entrusted us to another leader of the church and to hold her accountable in order to watch, guide and pray for our vulnerable state. My family was balancing on a brink as one after another family issues emerged and it could either destroy or pull the family together.

We were forever grateful when Pastor Hwa Chien (we used to address him as pastor rather than reverend then) dedicated time for my brother who used to be a rascal at school to mould him and to lead him to the right direction and most importantly to make him feel accepted even to an outsider. I was young then, so that was what I understood from what I saw. Every evening, Pastor Hwa Chien would come to our house, riding his old motorcycle to fetch my brother. We entrusted my brother to him, so none of us questioned my brother what the 'escapade' was about or how it went. I do not know if my brother was a changed person overnight, but I do know that the Lord has a hold on him and His words will remain in my brother through Pastor's help. This I know, because I too experience the same counselling from Pastor albeit briefly.

I lost hope in life at one point, much to the point of ending my life. I caused so much griefs and pain to my family that when Yi Jien went missing, I could totally identify with what his family went through. Only difference is, my family was not as spiritually strong in the Lord as Yi Jien's mum and wife are now. Their strength is admirable, and this is what knowing the Lord does to people. Without knowing the Lord, we have no hope and without hope, there is nothing to hold onto.

For many years, I have been struggling with my past experiences. Although I am still not ready to share every detail of it, I am glad that I have found courage to be able to encourage and help others with my story.

I too, went missing for 15 days. My case was totally different of that with Yi Jien as mine was a choice made solely by myself whereas Yi Jien's missing was all supernatural which is beyond his expectation. For me, it was definitely this experience that shaped who I am today, something ugly which God had turned into something beautiful. My family experience turmoil like never before thinking they have lost me forever. But in hindsight, this commotion set my family to a stronger relationship with the Lord and a better understanding who God is. This is definitely God's grace and mercy divinely shown to us at that juncture of our lives.

In the middle of the ordeal however, I did come back. I was then sent (much to my parents disinclination) to stay with Pastor Hwa Chien, Aunty Kim Guat (whom I dearly love and adore), Yi Jien and his brother and sister in Seremban. My parents trusted Pastor Hwa Chien and his family to look after me and to counsel me like how they did to my brother before. I don't remember how long I stayed with them but I knew it wasn't long. Pastor Hwa Chien and Aunty Kim Guat was not able to watch me 24 hours a day, so understandably, Yi Jien took up the responsibility to accompany me as it was also school holidays then.

I never thought much about Yi Jien throughout school days, except he was more immature than me. As far as I know, he was never a bad boy. More often than not, he was always targeted by bullies in class and I always hated it when the bullies started picking on him. I could never do anything but watch. I felt for him and wished he would stand up for himself. Amazingly, he always managed to deter the bullies from pursuing him. He would take it all and not fight back, perhaps exchanging a word or two, but never more. He knew it was pointless. Yi Jien was very tall even for his age, yet he was so sloppy. Always loved to drag his feet when he walked and he hunched badly. Probably he wanted to be standing equally in height with the rest who were never up to his stature.

So there I was, all messed up as a person and I was entrusted to Yi Jien. He took me to pin bowling, and taught me how to bowl. He was good I must say and we played a game or two. I excused myself in the shopping centre to go to the toilet, and when I came out, he was there waiting for me. He must have followed me to the toilet! He must have thought I will go missing again and he must have listened to Aunty Kim Guat, to not lose sight of me. I doubt he understood what I went through at that point, yet he seemed to be responsible enough for me. He was sensitive enough with my fragile emotions and he didn't ask any question. He was just there as a friend and cheering me up.

For a long time, I couldn't forgive myself for what I did to this family. I ran away from this family and away from my family the second time. My family entrusted me to this family yet, I have caused them to fail my family. Of course, my family knew it wasn't their fault, but they felt responsible for me and were sorry for what happened.

One of my greatest regret today is that I never had a chance to apologize to this family and now that Pastor Hwa Chien has gone to be with the Lord, I wished I was bold enough and mature enough to apologize earlier. I am still waiting for Yi Jien to come out alive, so that I have a chance to apologize to him. The Hwa family may have already forgiven and forgotten about the whole incident, but it meant so much to me to ask for forgiveness. For Pastor Hwa Chien, I will never forget that time, when the whole incident was finally and truly over, he came back to Sitiawan and ministered to me and my family. He knelt down in front of me and asked that I let go of my past and severe all ties to my past. He then prayed with me. I couldn't bear for someone as highly respected as him to be so humble and to go down on his knees with me to ask for forgiveness from our father in heaven. It was heartbreaking to have to go through that. It was totally an overwhelming experience for me. The rest was up to me to allow God to heal and change me.

I want to take this opportunity to apologize to Aunty Kim Guat, for loving me, for forgiving me and for shedding your precious tears for me. I didn't deserve it at all and I want to thank you and your family because you all definitely impacted my life and many others too.