What is God trying to tell me?

The long journey ahead should I embark on the PhD journey (This is the main street of Hahndorf, Adelaide, 3-7 Aug, 06).

The alarm clock rang at 6.30am. Pushed the button and went back to sleep. It seems I have been in my wonderful dreamland for many days now, reluctant to get up. It's so unbearable to leave my comfortable and cool bed. Enough is enough, I had to drag myself to the shower. Took me an hour to arrive work as dropping off my husband on the way to work is the reason for the longer journey. I had to speed to be on time for the meeting at 9am. I knew I'm not going to make it. But thankfully, took an alternate route which allowed me to arrive just 5 minutes late. Went straight to the meeting room, and there were my boss and another colleague. Thankfully, 2 more colleagues came in after me. Managed to hide the fact that I was a little late.

Meeting went for only half and hour. Quick and simple. Lots of internal issues to deal with, but none of my business. It's politics by the way. I'm always on the fence to avoid unnessary trouble.

After the meeting, went up to speak to my boss. And had a little chat with him. He then told me there's something for me to think about. "If you were offered a job, where research is your primary activity, and you can use your findings towards the benefit of your postgraduate degree, would you consider it?"

Sounds like a good offer, isn't it? The irony is that, he's only confirming what I have planned to do whether or not he's offering me the job. He's only making it official by putting it in words. Spoke to one of my trusted colleague aka friend, he agreed that it's a rare opportunity nowadays to be offered such a thing. Told me to consider it..

I'm keeping my mind open to God's direction. I need Him to reveal to me if taking up PhD is what He wants for me. It doesnt matter whether I want to do it or whether I feel the need of doing it, but rather God's divine plan to use me in the future for the furtherance of His kingdom.
I'm surrendering my all to Him, even if it means getting out of my comfort zone and going the extra mile for Him, for His purpose.

I need more assurance and conviction from Him. This is probably the first one.

Exquisite

No, I don't play bass. It's my husband. He loves bass guitar. He adores them like how some would adore cars and ironically, women. He recently bought a bass, I was feeling quite ok with it, until I learnt about the price. Fortunately, he has already sent 2 of his basses to the shop for consignment, to sell, that is. He has been dreaming of owning this bass guitar (I have to stress on the word guitar, as many doesn't know the difference between a bass, an electric guitar, acoustic guitar and classical guitar) and I quite willingly gave in to his hobby as I know it's better for men to indulge in a decent hobby than to spend money on alcohol or women.

To give a similar example, my brother has been investing quite a alot of energy and money on his new-found hobby, cycling. My dad was quite annoyed with his hobby, however my sis-in-law has been very supportive about it. Same argument apply, it's better for him to have this cycling hobby than other indecent hobbies.

Anyway, one of my reasons for this post is to express my astonishment on how a normal digital camera could produce such a fine photo. Taken by my husband, doesn't it look like a professional piece of work?

Anna and the King

It was great day.. I finally gathered enough courage to speak to my boss about me not wanting to do PhD. It was so tough in the beginning to open my mouth. I couldnt contain the fear within me, and I broke into tears. Like what my husband said before, tears are my both my shield and weapon. To cut the story short, the whole conversation went well, and he comforted me by giving me assurance that doing a PhD is not a ticket to success, though it is good to have one. However, he will be supportive of my decision to not do it now. It was pretty amazing as I did not expect his responses. I have always had the idea that he was "exploiting" me to take up the research for his own interest. Well, although he responded well in the discussion, it is never for me to know what his true intentions are. Ultimately, I am grateful as God really led me throughout the whole conversation. He answered my prayers and gave me much peace. Thank you, Lord, again, I have substantiated your presence in my life.

I felt an immense relief after that, as a result I went to borrow some movies. Bump into "Anna and the King", didn't have a chance to watch that movie when it was first released. Borrowed the DVD and watched it after dinner.

The movie, I think is superb! Though I would say it is probably 70 percent true and remaining is fictional, it is a transcendent love story. It is inspiring to me because it potrays a mature love and relationship. Humans are full of err, many a times, because of momentary needs, desires and wants, they make inevitable mistakes.

In this context, the King and the schoolteacher knew they were not meant to be together. They were very much attracted to each other, eventually fell in love and were passionate about each other, however their love for each other was unrequitted. Of course it is preposterous, some may argue, for a king to fall in a love with his hired english teacher, it is like a fairy tale, one of a kind.

Beautiful flowers

I love flowers, although there's not really any explanation for it. Just like some people find guitars and cars fascinating. If I could, I would love to have a garden full of flowers, with an array of colours and types. This photo was taken at my best friend's wedding (Dec 17,2005), though simple, it was beautiful and elegant. I made the arch for the wedding. Well, did my very best although it's not a professional job. Can't believe it's almost a year now that Joy's married.

Another day has gone by. Not exactly sure how I felt. The lab has finally finished and sent off the NATA review report. It was a great relief for everyone. My boss came to thank all of us for the hard work everyone's contributed, especially me because at the last minute, he realized that he hasn't written up some report which he needed me to do some stats on some data before he could proceed. After a frantic search for my data (which I have done and saved in the computer), he finally found it and hence he could finish it on time. Phew, thank God for that.

He was excited about continuing with my project, however I wasn't very keen. Lord, please give me the courage, strength and wisdom to approach him and be honest with him about how I feel. I really can't face this kind of situation, but I know God has been with me in everything, and this will not be an exceptional case.

Flowers..for the first time!

For the first time in the years my husband and I were together, he bought me flowers, not just any flowers but my favourite lilies (I feel that it is such an elegant flower). It felt so special that day after a hectic day. Days after, the sweet and lingering aroma was just so pleasant each time we step into the house. So, there you go, Andrew does make an effort to make me happy and he does take note of what I like. Thank you, darling.

Tired and depressed!

I know, the title itself tells how forlorn my life is now... The lab is under crisis, all scientists are rushing to get the validation for the testing done to be submitted on time for NATA review. I worked every hour I have for the day to get my statistics and data ready. Inevitably, there will be some mistakes made. Towards the end, I managed to uncover some mistakes before it's too late. And guess what my boss said? "Are you playing games? I know we are never going to finish this on time!"

I worked and pulled myself through everytime I felt like giving up, and here I was, listening to him grumbling at my face. Well, I wish I can tell him "It's not a fun game to play, you know??!!!". Then, as usual, it affected my mood and I'm depressed again. I don't know how to tell him that I don't wish to continue my PhD under him anymore (I'm not doing it officially, anyway). I can forsee myself living in fear everyday of my life if I work for another several years with him. Such an intimidating person, he is.

In fact, I shouldnt be feeling this way at all. I should be strong, and stand up for myself, and say NO! However, it's too difficult for me to do it. I find it easier to just submit myself and do whatever.. oh God, please help me! I'm battling within myself.

A visit from our best man

One of our best man (we had 2 at our wedding) came from KL to Sydney for a one-day conference ie business trip. And without a doubt, he came to visit us. He was as usual humorous with his witty jokes. However, throughout the whole time with us, he gave us some sound and godly advise. I was attentive to every word he said, and deep inside I greatly hoped that Andrew takes his advise and ponders over it.

One of the things Benny mentioned was money should not come in between couples. In other words, relationships must never be affected by money/wealth/finances. It hit me as I listened to this and I came to a realization that money has been the central issue in our marriage, and not God. Perhaps, it's time to really seek for repentance and ask for God's wisdom and guidance in our marriage.

Mayonnaise Jar and Coffee

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front on him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
So then the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar and of course the sand filled up everything else up. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two coffee cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided. "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff. If you put the sand in the jar first, he continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse to dinner. Spend time with your parents for you won't always have them in your life. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represents? The professor smiled. "I am glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there is always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Just thought that this article is very thought-provoking and a reminder. Thought-provoking because we should learn to think outside the box, and a reminder because it is true that we should set our priorities in life right.

Walking In Faith

I had a fairly satisfying sleep last night. My husband wasn't snoring (not that I was aware of) like the usual days. So Praise God that we both rested enough, hence we got up and got ready for church. Another day, but today is a Sunday, so we should be feeling excited as we are going to the house of God. Today's sermon was "Forge ahead by walking in faith". Faith, as we all know in christianity is a vast topic. Faith can be as tiny as a mustard seed, but has huge impact in one's life. Walk by faith and not by sight was the key discussion. But how do we walk by faith in the world today? As John Dickson (Australian author, speaker and musician) puts it, the spirituality today is a spirituality of distraction. There are too many things surrounding us that are distracting us; job, spouse, children, material things and etc. It's not that we don't think about the 'great things', which involves faith, it's just that we find the 'lesser things' easier to handle, as John Dickson puts it. I find it extremely true. Faith is believing in something which we have not seen.. some may also argue, faith is a pyschological game. Whatever it is, be it a game or mindset, I know I have nothing to lose by having faith in God =)

First Day of Blogging!

I have contemplated setting up my own blog, but laziness, self-inadequacy and procrastination was ruling my life. But today, finally I have signed up and here I am, joining others in the domain of blog. And today is also a very special day, my mum's birthday. So it marks the day my blog was established!

Happy Birthday Mum!